this is the beginning of something. and it probably won’t have many capital letters, correct grammar, but all of my writer friends and husband are used to it by now. i’ve started this with a growling stomach, a half-smoked cigarette ( waiting patiently outside), a six inch incision with staples , no more percaset, and a hormonal frenzy just waiting to explode.
so about the staples… i just had emergency surgery, one week ago, and i’m just now starting to ponder. because of the iud (in utero birth control) i developed an ectopic pregnancy. so basically until i had surgery, there was a seven week fetus, well baby, growing in my left fallopian tube. imagine an inch in diameter ball squeezed into the innards of an ink pen. it never occurred to me what happened until fours days after i left the hospital, that i had lost a baby. confusing to suddenly feel this way. to feel sad and cry over something that almost took your life, over something that you didn’t want. i realized that i started to mourn the child that could of been another addition to my family. i was then upset that when the doctor told me, taking my shoulder in her hand and looking me sadly in the eye, that there was no way to continue with the pregnancy, that i smiled and said that we weren’t planning on having anymore kids. i never even thought of it as a baby until afterwards. i’ll have my scar as remembrance. another hieroglyphic to touch throughout my life.
